The St. Louis Doughnuts Debacle

Remember that old Dunkin Donuts (doughnuts) commercial in which the man always arose earlier than the birds to ready himself for work, using the special phrase "Time to make the doughnuts" --- over and over?

This morning I found myself WANTING doughnuts. I considered going to Eddie's Southtown Donuts (4701 S. Kingshighway just north of Christy) or Donut Drive-In (ChippeWatson...at Donovan), but realized I had to skip them due to time constraints (at least I thought I was going to have to go out of my way to stop at Donut Drive-In...apparently I should have looked at my watch).

I am a bit perturbed at my choices once I passed the opportunity to stop and get "fresh" doughnuts. Because I was crossing town and I knew that Highway 40 was going to close by 7 am, I already surmised that getting where I wanted on a soon-to-be closed (as I write it is already closed) highway was not an option, and I still had to be "on time" to my destination. But I had skipped a breakfast opportunity at home (cereal for the third day in a row wasn't appealing, and I had no time to make oatmeal) and headed to Schnuck's just a few hundred feet from my destination.

Now --- I enjoy Schnuck's. It's made my life easy. Well, okay, it's made me spend money just like Dierberg's and Straub's. And the late Wild Oats. And National Supermarkets - remember those BEFORE the crooked farmer stole all the bread and bankrupted it? Well, anyway. I was in Schnuck's...buying my favorite soy milk. But I made the mistake of going backward in the store. NO, not walking backward, but backtracking to the bakery department, where --- by now you've guessed this part --- the fresh "doughnuts" were sitting there on the rack or newly placed into the display case. This is where it gets to the point of "I HAVE to write a blog about this" --- because I noticed they have now put an eye-catching chocolate cake doughnut into the case --- one with chocolate icing/frosting/topping on its lovely-looking crest. Then, just a short reach to the left --- the blueberry cake doughnuts! Now, this is the true account of how things occurred...so I may get grief one day for this move (I'm supposed to limit my sugar and fat intake, just like almost everyone else on earth)...as I quickly sought one more option, I witness that there were three different varieties of blueberry doughnut from which to choose. It took me 5 seconds to make up my mind...and I reached over to get one with a glazed coating on it. My choices seemed to be good --- on the surface. I had made the dreaded IMPULSE BUY!

What happened next - after checkout and the quick drive to my destination - was the obvious. After the proper amount of time had passed I opened the bag, reached in to select the chocolate cake doughnut and...well...took chewy bite number one. And painfully I took a second and third bite.

I have never blogged about Schnuck's doughnuts before. But the Schnuck family would not like what I'm reporting, I'm fairly certain. Before the revelation today that they were again producing cake doughnuts, I had given their doughnuts literally dozens of tries. And each time, they had completely failed to live up to any kind of halfway decent expectation. I'll WAGER that it has been several years since I attempted to buy a doughnut from Schnuck's for ME. Yes, I've bought them --- for other people (and, yes I AM SERIOUS). But the disappointment in tasting and chewing, along with being forced to drink hundreds of gallons of drinks while attempting to digest these sad little glutenized circles --- some with holes in the middle, and some with jelly or sugary-filling, even an attempt at custard-filling --- have made me more than cynical through a period of MORE than a decade.
I, like Homer Simpson, generally love these treats (doughnuts in general are tasty)...this is one of the hardest things to avoid when watching your sugar and fat intake. But I have to tell you that it has been with NO difficulty that I have avoided Schnuck's doughnuts for many years. And today --- this morning --- cements things. If there was a disgusting way to say that these doughnuts were bad, right now would be the time to come up with this phrase or allegory or whatever.

The chocolate cake doughnut was dry. Maybe I was actually eating something baked/cooked/produced in the Sahara desert. I found water quickly. That did little to help. This doughnut was CEMENTING things alright. After the water, I now could actually get a second taste of this doughnut. Maybe it was the fact that I actually got a momentary near-delight (not a delight...it was close to one, though - but only for a moment) because of the icing on top of this waste of 65 pennies. Ahhh. I felt more than cheated. This was Satan at work --- he wasn't wasting any time in making me feel foolish for having given into temptation and buying a Schnuck's doughnut. And that would be punishment enough if the story only stopped THERE!

But, as I mentioned - I had purchased (lulled into a false sense of security by the mere presence of two different kinds of cake doughnuts --- my memory bank reveals I passed on the pumpkin cake doughnut variety which was located to the right of the chocolate cake doughnuts) the BLUEBERRY doughnut with a glaze upon its surface. So, having attempted digestion (okay, it's fine to admit that I ate the stupid chocolate doughnut here because I had to finish the punishment I had realized was coming my way for all my sins, not the least of which was allowing myself to buy a "cake" "doughnut" at Schunuck's!!!) of the chocolate cake with chocolate icing, taking down at least 20 ounces of water and probably 6 ounces of soy milk in so doing, I gave it my all: I was going to attempt to eat the blueberry doughnut.

Here, the fresh air would be good for me, you, and anyone who has been continuing to read my saga. So...I'll be right back with the conclusion after these messages!

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Eddie's Southtown Donuts: I will make time for your cake doughnuts --- I promise. They really are heads and shoulders above almost any others I have sampled in St. Louis.
Donut Drive-In: when I am closer to your shop than Eddie's, you'll still get my business.
Donut Delight: Oh, how I miss your custard-filled with chocolate icing lovliness --- the best doughnuts around...you know the custard and the taste of chocolate --- and I am a confirmed CAKE doughnut eater and I still stop 16 miles from home to get a custard-filled when I can!

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Okay, now the conclusion of my Schnuck's "DOH!" "Nuts" debacle. The blueberry cake doughnut was perched upon my fingertips. With water and soy milk close, I felt safe.

Now would be the time to tell you I survived. The remaining part of the blueberry cake doughnut from Schnuck's is in the wax paper bag. I took TWO bites and could go NO FURTHER. I nearly decried "no mas" --- but I speak English and (a smidge of) German, so going the Spanish route didn't seem appropriate.

It seems I will surely never KNOWINGLY purchase and attempt to consume a Schnuck's doughnut again. The cookies in the bakery case at Schnuck's, however...are scrumptious. And they remain off my list due to the sugar content.

Schnuck's --- made it easy --- for me to say "no" to doughnuts from their bakery.